Hilarious Quotes

This page is a collection of Hilarious Quotes.

Laughter is the best medicine. Allow the following page to make you laugh and smile. Sometimes the easiest way to get inspired is to relax and laugh. Laughing puts you in a good mood, boosts your immune system, and is relaxing.

Enjoy the Hilarious Quotations below.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect.
Therefore I am perfect.

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-Mark Twain

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-Franklin P. Jones

Always acknowledge a fault.
This will throw those in authority off their guard
and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-Mark Twain

I used to think I was indecisive,
but now I’m not too sure.

Drawing on my fine command of the language,
I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others

Advertising is the art of convincing people
to spend money they don't have on something they don't need.
-Will Rogers

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say
-Willliam S. Burroughs

Rice is great when you're hungry
and want two thousand of something.
-Mitch Hedberg

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-Will Rogers

I think I've discovered the secret of life,
you just hang around until you get used to it.
-Charles Schulz

The army does more before 6am then I do all day.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bank is a place
where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather
and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-Robert Frost

A woman is like a tea bag,
you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-Noel Coward

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained
-Mark Twain

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.
-Jane Wagner

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde

Flattery is telling other people exactly what they think of themselves.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Facts are meaningless.
You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
-Homer Simpson

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets.
Why should other planets be any different from this one?
-Bob Monkhouse

I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early.
-Charles Lamb

An adult is someone who has stopped growing at both ends
and started growing in the middle.

I got my hair highlighted
because I felt some strands were more important than others.
-Mitch Hedberg

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words,
words might hurt me deeply,
causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage
leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying,
but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin

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