Funny Quotations

This page is a collection of Funny Quotations. The quotes below are funny, witty, and even a bit inspirational. Read through and enjoy a laugh or two.

Computer games don't affect kids,
I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in darkened rooms,
munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
-Gareth Owen

One thing they never tell you about child raising
is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat,
you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-Erma Bombeck

Always be nice to your children
because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller

The brain is a wonderful organ;
it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,
and does not stop until you get into the office.
-Robert Frost

Most people would rather die than think;
in fact, they do so.
-Bertrand Russell

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-Noelie Alito

Give me a stock clerk with a goal
and I'll give you a man who will make history.
Give me a man with no goals
and I'll give you a stock clerk.
-J.C. Penney

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive it isn't.
-Richard Bach

If you really want to do something, you'll find a way.
If you don't, you'll find an excuse.
-Jim Rohn

If you don't know how to die, don't worry;
Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately.
She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.
-Michel de Montaigne

More Funny Quotations

There'll be two dates on your tombstone
and all your friends will read 'em
but all that's gonna matter
is that little dash between em...
-Kevin Welch

Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.
-Henry J. Kaiser

If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck,
he surely meant us to stick it out.
-Arthur Koestler

Even if you are on the right track,
you will get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
-Michel de Montaigne

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-Mark Twain

The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.
-George Bernard Shaw

I am not afraid of death,
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

Those are my principles,
and if you don't like them...
well, I have others.
-Groucho Marx

These motivational tapes have really inspired me!
I’m going to make a million dollars,
buy my own company and retire early.
Then, I’m going to write a novel and a symphony
and give all the profits to charity.
Then next month, I’ll figure out how to do it.
-Randy Glassberger

He who laughs, lasts.
-Mary Poole

Funny Quotations - Related Pages

Funny Inspirational Quotes

Life Quotes

Wisdom Quotes

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