Funny Quotations

This page is a collection of Funny Quotations. The quotes below are funny, witty, and even a bit inspirational. Read through and enjoy a laugh or two.



Computer games don't affect kids,
I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in darkened rooms,
munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
-Gareth Owen



One thing they never tell you about child raising
is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat,
you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-Erma Bombeck



Always be nice to your children
because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller



The brain is a wonderful organ;
it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,
and does not stop until you get into the office.
-Robert Frost



Most people would rather die than think;
in fact, they do so.
-Bertrand Russell



The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-Noelie Alito



Give me a stock clerk with a goal
and I'll give you a man who will make history.
Give me a man with no goals
and I'll give you a stock clerk.
-J.C. Penney



Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive it isn't.
-Richard Bach



If you really want to do something, you'll find a way.
If you don't, you'll find an excuse.
-Jim Rohn



If you don't know how to die, don't worry;
Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately.
She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.
-Michel de Montaigne


More Funny Quotations



There'll be two dates on your tombstone
and all your friends will read 'em
but all that's gonna matter
is that little dash between em...
-Kevin Welch



Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.
-Henry J. Kaiser



If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck,
he surely meant us to stick it out.
-Arthur Koestler



Even if you are on the right track,
you will get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers



My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
-Michel de Montaigne



Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-Mark Twain



The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.
-George Bernard Shaw



I am not afraid of death,
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen



Those are my principles,
and if you don't like them...
well, I have others.
-Groucho Marx



These motivational tapes have really inspired me!
I’m going to make a million dollars,
buy my own company and retire early.
Then, I’m going to write a novel and a symphony
and give all the profits to charity.
Then next month, I’ll figure out how to do it.
-Randy Glassberger



He who laughs, lasts.
-Mary Poole


Funny Quotations - Related Pages

Funny Inspirational Quotes

Life Quotes

Wisdom Quotes


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